February 14, 2007
It's Valentines Day!
All of us here at Dakota want to wish you a very Happy Valentine's Day
In honor of the occasion we have a movie series.#1, #2, and
#3.
(North) Dakota got into the holiday spirit too.
If you hit "continued", Monique Doyle Spencer has some handy hints for the Valentine gift-baffled that the Boston Globe that would have disappeared into their locked closet, had we not rescued it.
Photo note: Mt. Auburn Cemetery is a great place to find cupid.
Cracking the Cupid Code
By Monique Doyle Spencer | February 14, 2007
MARRIED MEN know a secret. In the world of women, there is a Trinity of Holidays, days that must be suffered year after year. Each brings a different trial to test a man's courage. These are a woman's birthday, her wedding anniversary, and Valentine's Day. The most treacherous of these is Valentine's Day.
More relationships end within a week of V-Day than any other day, even high school graduation. This is because women use V-Day as the crystal ball of your fate. They peer into it and look for the Three Signs of Your Doom. First, the gift you give is gravely less expensive than the one you were given. Second, your gift is not wrapped. Third, you give an Idiot gift. My own husband gave me a duplicate pair of cheap earrings I already have "because you like them so much."
But Cupid takes pity on men. He created a secret code for man's survival. Get a pen and pad, this requires a little work on your part. The codes, you see, are hidden in the very words "Valentine's Day." Write them down. Now you look for hidden words. Follow along and we will examine the secret warnings Cupid has hidden for his fellow men.
Now, what words do you see? D-A-T-E is the obvious beginning. We don't have to tell you that, unless D-E-N-S-E is the first word you saw. You have to take her on a date, so the next clue is L-I-S-T-E-N. For a month before V-Day she will talk about a restaurant she wants to try. Just book it now. Then D-E-T-A-I-L your car in advance. If the restaurant has a V-A-L-E-T, use it. Oh, make sure she is S-E-A-T-E-D first.
A-V-I-D-L-Y is next. This is your night to communicate. Think of something, memorize it, say it. "I can't believe how lucky we are to have met. I love talking with you." See? R-A-V-E.
And remember that E-N-V-Y and E-N-V-I-E-D are big clues to women's favorite feelings. If you send her a dozen roses, be sure to send them to her workplace. Making her female coworkers feel bad will delight her.
Now Cupid gives men the warnings, the alarms. The first is D-I-V-A. If her V-Day hints are running into big money, break up with her before the big day. Seriously. Right now. The second wake-up call is E-N-S-L-A-V-E-D. Do not, under any circumstances, put any gift in a ring-shaped box. Even if you buy her the biggest diamond earrings in the solar system, you must still remove them from their ring-like box. Otherwise, you will hear the words Y-E-S, Y-E-N-T-A, A-I-S-L-E, and V-E-I-L. Avoid taking her to N-E-V-A-D-A for the same reason.
Cupid is not a perfect angel. He hides a few trick clues to snare you. These are V-I-T-A-L-S, S-A-L-I-V-A-T-E, S-A-T-I-N, S-I-N and, oddly, V-A-S-E-L-I-N-E. Cupid is trying to steer you to shop at Victoria's Secret. No, no, and no, if you are not at least engaged. If you do, you must also give a romantic gift such as a book of poetry. I know, it sounds V-I-L-E, but anything that starts with the word "Sonnets" will do it, especially if you buy an old copy. The comic-book version does not count.
Now just proceed S-T-E-A-D-I-L-Y. Good luck. And if you fail, if you A-L-I-E-N-A-T-E the L-A-D-Y, Cupid still has advice for you. Getting over women is what the N-A-V-Y is for. E-N-L-I-S-T.
Monique Doyle Spencer is author of "The Courage Muscle: A Chicken's Guide to Living With Breast Cancer."