May 11, 2006
Freaking out on Friday
View larger image if you dare
Well it seems that Fridays are my Demon Day. A day set aside from my usual schedule to wrestle with all of those disintegrated, unintegrated aspects of myself. A day when I give them time to emerge -- P.S. they are furious right now because they're ready to come out and I keep repressing them. Worse, demonizing them.
I demonize those parts of myself just like the early Christians did the Gnostics, thus keeping important information out of circulation (my consciousness), until folks (I) were (was) psychologically developed enough to handle it.
The time is ripe to integrate something new. Cosmically, Dan Brown has been on the best seller list with his gnosticish novel for at least a year. The National Geographic, (a finer American Institution cannot be found), has pasted together, published and televised the Judas Gospel. All those National Geographics disintegrating in everyone's attic -- piles none of us could bring ourselves to discard because of the photos --- must have had some cosmic effect. Though I hear that a substantial part of NG's motivation to get this project out, came from fierce competition with the Discovery Channel.
Personally, as my loyal readers know all too well, I have been very busy trying to calm my autonomic hyperarousal and hypervigilance, so I can live my life in a curious state, rather than a fearful one. Taking pictures has helped alot with this project, and the blog too, because putting experience into words moves it from the amygdala, where it fires randomly and keeps all of us here at Dakota off balance, to the frontal cortex, where cognition resides and thought, framed with language, can be applied to experience.
Something grim descended upon me Friday morning. The first indication was that I couldn't find a single photo of mine that I liked. I even tried looking at my favorites for a minute. They all seemed insipid and ugly. I felt my plug had been pulled. The mood lasted all day, which I spent on the edge of anger. I was attracting anger like mad (pardon) from the universe--- Idiot SUV drivers honked at me at least five times.
It might have been really funny, but those parts of me that are not integrated have absolutely no sense of humor left about this matter anymore. They say it's funny like President Bush's comedy routine last year at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, when he crawled under the podium looking for weapons of mass destruction. CLUELESS. You simply have to be clueless to make a joke about a lie, a warped power plan, that has ruined so much for so many. Forgive him , he knows not what he does. Aside: I am preferring to think that Bush has helped me value democracy, and the environment in a much more conscious way. I (am trying) to think about what is really important to me, and how much I appreciate the freedom and beauty of my present circumstances. Hopefully, Bush has inspired others to do the same - to imagine what they really want. .. Well, I couldn't do that on Friday either.
I did try to change my vibration along the way, to no avail. I went to the most beautiful of all cemeteries, and took photos. I specifically took the picture above, because I thought I had some demons staring at me, little green ones, but demons nonetheless. When I got the photo home and looked more closely, one of the ferns seemed quite the crone, and another, a parrot. A vast and interesting improvement. I must also remember that ferns open, grow and develop. Who knows what shapes they'vetaken now.
And then there was the frog. I've been seeing frogs everywhere. Froggish photos abound -- clay frogs, marzipan frogs. Two people mentioned vernal pools to me on the same day in the last week or so. On Friday, as I stood in a slow line at the Verizon store in the mall to get my replacement cell phone, I saw yet another frog. This one was a human, dressed in a frog suit, employed by the Rain Forest Cafe right across the mall. (It occurred to me that the reason the technicians at Verizon are so snarly is that they listen to the Rain Forest's lion roaring every thirty seconds all day, every day). Maybe the lion was roaring for me too. The SUVs certainly were.
I must say that I was better at containing what I think of as the black energy, (which at the moment is roiling anger), than I have been before -- on other Fridays, at least. I only projected it onto two people, who probably didn't need it, but seemed deserving at the time, given their own unintegrated black energies. I was a little huffy with the clerk at an insurance company, regarding her request to submit paperwork for a fifth time, and with the tech repair guys at Verizon.
However, since I was in my brain tumor prevention mode, I went inside the Verizon store (where the lion doesn't roar) to look at cellie earpieces because I'm not crazy about the one I have. A sweet angel took care of me -- "Oh this, is the ear piece I LOVED before I got Bluetooth." That really helped.
I forgot to say that when I went to get my phone replacement (wasn't I Iucky it was still under warranty?), the technicians told me it would take an hour. I could have raved, needing little excuse, but I decided that this was an opportunity to improve my vibration. I had the time and the mall, so I decided to make the best of it, and go shopping of course
In Sephora, the makeup store, I found feather false eyelashes. You can get a whole feather lash or a mostly hair with and two feathers at the outer end. I took clandestine pictures. That changed my mood a bit.
I decided that the darkness is what you do not know, or cannot tolerate about yourself. Examining the darkness iproduces KNOWLEDGE. If you don't care/dare to do that, you must simply make assumptions about it . In other words you BELIEVE something about about the darkness. Generally, when it comes to darkness, what most people believe isn't very good, and it generally isn't about themselves, it's about the other. Projection. Take Judas for example.
This entry took me a week. I'm having difficulty reading it straight through to see if it's coherent. I still don't have it organized correctly, but I'm publishing anyway. Integrating aspects of self is really uncomfortable, and I am far from finished.
Here's the picture I took Thursday night, before this began. Prescient, huh?.
