February 06, 2005
The Subjugation Schema Examined
Getting back to Schema Theory, after perusing "Reinventing Your LIfe", I decided that the most prominent schema in my childhood image, and one that lurks in the shadow of my present is the Schema, Subjugation.
Let's go through some of the steps Jeffrey Young outlines, in order to get an idea of how one might use the schemas to create change, should one chose to take a project such as this upon oneself.
Some origins of my subjugation (selected from a more complete list) are:
. My parent(s) tried to dominate or control almost every aspect of my life.
. My parent(s) punished threatened or got angry at me when I did not do things their way.
. My parent(s)did not allow me to make my own choices as a child.
. I did not feel that my rights, needs or opinions were respected when I was a child.
. I had to be very careful about what I did or said as a child because I worried about about parent's tendency to become worried or depressed.
. I often felt angry at my parents for not giving me the freedom other children had ( Would that I would have gotten that far)
Then there is a list of danger signals I might note when selecting potential partners - you can guess, controlling , dependent , easily hurt, those that become angry when you disagree with them. I feel that I have mostly avoided these pitfalls, but I do project mightily about the sensitivity of others. An additional note on partner selection, we are warned about "Schema Chemistry" - that moth-to-the-flame phenomenon which causes us to fall madly in love with the person who will help us repeatedly reinact our most maladaptive schema.
Here are selections from the list where subjugators get into trouble-- subjugators like myself.
. You do not like to disagree openly with other people's opinions (you'd never know it from my blog would you?)
. You do not know what you want or prefer in many situations.
. You cannot stand to do anything that hurts other peoples feelings.
. You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
.You do not want others to see you as selfish, so you go to the other extreme.
. You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people.
. When other people are in trouble or in pain you stand up for their rights. (Ironically, that used to drive my mother crazy.)
. You have trouble being strong in negotiations.
. You cannot ask for promotions or raises at work (This would definitely apply to me, but I am self employed and thus avoid that uncomfortable situation altogether)
. You play down your accomplishments. (Oh, I don't know)
And a few suggestions that I can try in order to change my subjugation schema.
. Understand my childhood subjugation.
. List everyday situations at home and work in which I subjugate or sacrifice my own needs to others.
. Stop behaving passive aggressively.
. Push myself systematically to assert myself - express what I need or want. Start with easy requests first.
. Practice asking other people to take care of me. Ask for help. Discuss my problems. Try to achieve a balance between what I give and what I get.
. Pull back in relationships with people who are too self centered or selfish to take my needs into account. Avoid one-sided relationships. Change or get out of relationships where I feel trapped.
. Practice confronting people instead of accomodating so much. Express my anger appropriately, as soon as I feel it.
. Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset hurt or angry at me.
. Do not rationalize my tendency to please others so much. Stop telling myself that it doesn't really matter.
. Be more agressive at work. Take credit for what I do. Do not let other people take advantage of me. Ask for any promotions or raises I might be entitled to get . Delegate responsiblity to other people. (Too bad I'm self employed)
I have a little work to do.
Here's a subjugation flashcard that I can make to carry with me. "I have the right to say 'no' when other people ask me to do unreasonable things. If I say 'yes' I will only get angry at the other person and at myself. I can live with the guilt of saying"no". Even if I cause the other person a little pain, it will only be temporary. People will respect me if I say 'no' to them. And I will respect myself."
OH GAWD THIS IS BOOOORING, even to me and I'm a subjugator. You get the general idea. Buy the book
Here's my new, unsubjugated role model Yulia Timoshenko Isn't her hair much better than Condis?
Photo note: I was getting sick of winter pictures. The lilies seem both prickly and authoritarian to me. I could call this "Subjugation in Springtime."