July 21, 2004
Morning Glory on a cross
I was told I did not understand yesterday.
So I tried make a list of some of the things I understand.
It's hard to watch another person succumb
after a valliant fight
It's hard to absorb accusations from an accuser
who feels you have injured them and deserve to be punished
It's hard not to be confused
It' s hard not to be perfect
It's hard to know
It's hard not to know
It's hard to know the difference between anger and sadism
It's hard to know that the evil we have faced is located somewhere inside too
and although it will not harm others
it will harm self and soul and spirit
It's hard to know that evil got inside
Its' hard to know that that's not all that is inside
It's hard to bear the disappointment of working so hard for so long
for someone else's salvation and have to give it up
It's hard not to be believed
It's hard to feel helpless
and furious because of the helplessness
It's hard to know that love is sometmes not enough
It's hard to fight for light when you feel your spirit has no allies
It's hard to give up dreams for the future
It's hard to give up who you thought you were
It's hard to give up all you've accompolished over the years
It's hard to remember all you've lost in the struggle
It's hard to grieve and rest and allow and trust that your suffering was not in vain
It's hard to give up omnipotence
It's hard to give up blaming yourself when you believe that you are omnipotent
It's hard to face the unknown
It's hard to bail out of a mission halfway through because reality is too frightening
It's hard to face the power of creation and the power of destruction
It's hard not to have anyone to bring along on the journey
It's hard to face existence in reality with all of its pain and evil, and all of it's joy and light
It's hard to hold all of that all at once, when the childish feelings are stirred, and the will is weakened, and the soul is weary
It's hard to love and to want the light for someone else and to see them reject it
It's hard to think you deserve the light in spite of all that
It's hard to go toward the light when you have failed so badly
It's hard to forgive yourself when you are your own accuser
It's hard to be conscious in the full arrray of human experience
It's hard to accept having minimal influence on another's destiny
It's hard to accept that you have come to the end of your gifts
It's hard to accept that the now is all there is, and the power is now
Posted by Dakota at July 21, 2004 06:31 AM