July 10, 2004
The return of the Big Baby
Noticed first at (where else?) the hairdresser yesterday, a seizing in the neck area. Awoke this morning with a pain in the neck so excruciating that I googled viral meningitis . I fear I must have a conversation .
Good Enough Self , impatiently: Well, you have my attention. Yeah - what is it?
Big Baby : I do not hear any compassion in your voice. If you think I''m going to tell you anything when you have that kind of an attitude toward me, you are sadly mistaken. And keep in mind, the small gesture of punitive visciousness is my specialty. (with this, a pitchfork is jabbed into base of neck)
Good Enough Self: You have behaved horribly the last twenty four hours, how can you expect compassion?
Big Baby: For christ's sake, I'm only a baby .
Good Enough Self: Well I've tried one tylenol and one ibuprofen (the best non narcotic analegesic), Qigong, American stretching, icing, the vibrating massager , pranic breathing , the chi machine , yoga postures , and nothing has touched the pain. Okay, okay, I'll try expression. Or maybe I'll take a hot shower.
Big Baby: Take a tip from me, try expression first and see how it goes.
GE self: But it hurts so much I can hardly concentrate.
BB: Well that's precisely how I felt, stupid. How do you like it? You can see why I might have wanted to leave the premises.
GE self: I have to check my statistics
Big Baby: Why don't you (chose one or all) do the laundry, clean the refrigerator, read a novel, or look up old boyfriends on the net? You can't make a phone call, it's five o'clock in the morning for heaven's sake. What about talking to me? Pain relief city.
GE Self: Okay. Yeah?
BB: More compassion, you will have to positively pour on the compassion to get anywhere with me.
GN Self, reluctantly: What happened, honey? You can come sit in my lap and tell me, even if you are as repulsive as one of those hairless cats ..
BB: I only look like that because I have been so injured. Weren't you just writing about chihuahuas . HellOOO.
GE Self: I'll have to reread that entry.
BB: Later, please. Shall we continue? This is what happened to me. This is what I learned at the knee of an expert. I know about it, because, coiled inside me, like a cobra , ready to be released from it's basket , is energy that wants to punish, to teach a lesson. Such lessons are required when the needs of the other do not coincide with your own, and, therefore, must be extinguished. The best way to do this, is to withdraw in icy abandonment. The technique involves abruptly closing your heart at the moment of perceived injury, and then, being physically present, but completely unavailable. Cutting the connection. It is best to disappear for days, until the recipient is really sorry and really scared. When you do this to children they panic. Then you can take pleasure and satisfaction in watching their pain, knowing that the lesson is sinking in.
You must communiicate to the offender that there is no hope for redemption. There is absolutely nothing they can do to reestablish connection. They must be rendered helpless.
This is not "Stop!" energy. This is meant to permeate into the soul of the offender, so that they will never dare to consider their own feelings first again. [ An Esther Hicks, channeling Abraham, Aside : Feelings are our guidance system. Like the sensation of touch tells us when we have our hand on a hot stove, a negative feeling tells us when we are off the path, so to speak. Therefore, when a child is required to eradicate its own feelings, in deference to another's, the spirit of the child loses internal guidance on its life path. Serious.]
As I was taught the technique, when the offender tries to reestablish connection, through apology, for example, you tell them that their apology is meaningless. You bring up old offenses. You announce to them gravely that you are certain they will offend again. (Of course they will, since they cannot, and should not, spend their time reading your narcissistic pea brain.)
It is completely horrible to be the recipient of this energy as an adult. - it was unbearable as a child. Dissociation was a good solution to avoid pain at the time. But just look at me, I act like a big baby now because that 's where I got stuck. I need a little sympathy here. Put a little light on the situation. Have some appreciaton of what I've been through.
Good Enough Self: Are you sure you're not just making a mountain out of a mole hill ?
Big Baby, exasperated: I'm doing you a big favor, stupid, making you pay attention to my injuries, giving you a big pain in the neck. I would rather not be in the driver's seat , inadvertantly passing along the lesson, by mowing down others, (a rare but terrible occurrence) and, regularly crashing us into emotional telephone poles.
Good Enough Self: It's hard to be grateful when you make me feel so terrible about myself.
Big Baby: Maybe I could quit if you would acknowledge the severity of the injury, and recognize it in the present everytime you want to cut off your head, soothe yourself with food , take a hatchet to your computer, punish. Stay present with the pain and grieve. I won't take that long.
Good Enough Self: Can I check my statistics now?
Big Baby: It's your neck , sweetheart. How is it , by the way.
Good Enough Self: Somewhat better. It must have been the tylenol.
Photo note: An aspect of self, coming in for a landing. Notice that none of them are that cute, and that the light is off. The miracle of this photo is that my camera which is so..oooo..oo slow to shot, actuallly captured the image in acceptably publishable form.
General note: While googling, it was impossible not to notice that being a "big baby" is a popular fetish (if you are interested, you will just have to google for yourself). Apologies to all the big babies who will land here in the future and see seagulls.
Posted by Dakota at July 10, 2004 06:01 AM