June 02, 2004
QiGong Triggers Me
I had a mini meltdown in my QiGong class on Friday. There were only two of us. One of us was absent due to energetic overload, and we seem to have inadvertantly driven away our Belgian documentary filmmaker. It was also cold and rainy, and we practice outdoors. Just as well, as my tears were masked by the drizzle.
Well, I was fine when only one hand was required. It was after the instruction to add the other hand, and move it in conjuction with the first hand, that I noticed that I could not really hear our master's verbal instructions. Then I realized that I couldn't do the coordinated hand movement for more than one round, and I began to feel a bit frantic. I was embarassed by my inability to follow instructions, any way they were given, save having the master actually move my arms for me. However, I dutifully continued - hands flailing, fascia seizing. The burning began across my shoulders and up into my neck. I knew it was here for the weekend. This is an
old feeling , indeed.
I was triggered, my amygdala took over and I couldn't continue to hold back the tears. More enchantingly, my nose began to run and I had to leave the line to get a kleenex. I felt completely hopeless and ashamed. Knowing that it was old stuff, was absolutely useless.
I realize that I usually avoid placing myself in situations where I am required to learn something kinesthetically - actually, not just kinethetically, learn something, in general. I have that same frantic feeling around the computer, when I can't understand a command. Usually I then begin to push buttons rapidly, randomly, which complicates the original situation immeasurably. I am trying to become aware of that impulse, so that I can stop acting on it. It really doesn't do for a blogger.
I read somewhere that people with learning disabilities lose their sense of self when they bump into the learning glitch(es) in their brains, especially if they are ordinarily, perfectly smart. That is why their learning styles tend to be rigid. They develop ways to avoid these unpleasant experiences. Sound like someone you know?
QiGong is much too complicated for my current level of functioning. I need to take baby steps with my movement problem. Think I will try Integrated Awareness" as a more beginning step, before I cripple myself entirely.
The other QiGongette, sweet, advanced soul that she is, knew immediately what was happening and spoke words of soothing and encouragement to me throughout my collapse. After class she "ran a little energy". This is the same energy that allowed me to stop pain medication a day after my appendectomy, mind you - major surgery. The muscles and fascia in my shoulders were impenetrable.
Old stuck energy can really hurt. After three days, TuiNa, much contemplation and sixty miles on my bike, the screaming in my shoulders is a bit better. I haven't practiced though.
Photo note: The Buddha meets the Rock. This is another piece from the rock arranger above Heaven.
Posted by Dakota at June 2, 2004 10:40 AM