Dakota

The dress; the dilemma; the dialectic

What would you do if your four year old son pleaded for a Cinderella ballgown so convincingly that his devoted aunt bought one for him? And when it arrived he was so completely excited by the dress , in seventh heaven , that he wanted to wear it to the family seder.? What would you do if you saw his eyes shine with connection to life force energy when he asked?

It was a terrific dilemma for the lesbian soccer mom who grew up feeling that her desires were too much, and, therefore, wrong. As a child, she tried to quell her passionate yearnings as best she could, with food. As a result, she is, and was obese, all too familiar with the distain and disapproval heaped upon children who are different.

She negotiated with her son, allowing him to take his Cinderella ballgown to the seder, and change after dinner - secretly hoping he would forget about it. Of course, he couldn't wait to show everyone, especially his five year old cousin-to-be, who was also attending.

When he appeared in his ballgown, he was met with massive disapproval. His cousin-to-be, who had been happily playing with him for hours, recoiled in horror, refusing to be anywhere near him. The cousin's parents, who are teachers, rather than seizing the opportunity to help their child develop tolerance and overcome fear of difference, talked, instead, about putting a stop to this deviant behavior, clear in their disgust. The cousin's father-to-be said he would never want to play with a boy dressed up as Cinderella either, spewing his own homophobic vitriol all over a devastated Cinderella..

Cinderella's mom was shocked. As she said, although she and her partner are very different than her family, neither her crew cut, her weight, her wardrobe nor her sexual orientation has ever been openly criticized by her relatives. People have kept their opinions politely to themselves. This was not the case with the Cinderella ballgown. They shamed her son. She asked "Couldn't they see the light in his eyes, how much he loves this dress and being in it? How could they hurt a four year old like that?"

Her son's penchant for ballgowns is of concern to his mother. She worries not about his gender identification, but about the vast potential for spirit squashing his heartfelt passion opens.

At preschool everyone knows that he loves to "dress up" and it is, at least for now, accepted as a developmental phase. He had been so excited about wearing his Cinderella dress to school. After the seder, he told his mom that he would probably just bring a picture. She saw the effect of the shaming on his little spirit so clearly, it broke her heart.

It is my emerging opinion (here folks, you are witnessing formulation on the spot) that when there are aspects of self that have to go underground in response to shame and fear--parts of self that aren't held by loving and containing figures -- those parts become become non relational. They do not develop (that's why we have "inner children") and in the darkness of non contact, non consciousness they grow into in addictions, perversions obsessions, demons if you will.

When a child is connected to life force energy and then is frightened or shamed in that state, the passion for returning to that state is powerful. The child begins to associate the "shamed" act with feeling full of self and looks for that state again, sometimes compulsively. Of course it doesn't work that way. Often the road back renders the seeker unconscious like drugs and alcohol, or repeats the trauma with shame and fear like fundamentalist religion or prostitution. A person can spend their whole lives looking for lost spirit in all the wrong places.

So the treatment for finding and healing all the lost parts of self, probably the ones with most connection to life force energy, is developing a loving relationship with those parts-- bringing them to the light for empathy and contact, so that they can reconnect to life force energy. This is a hard thing to do alone. The cure?

RELATIONSHIP. A person who has lost their spirit needs others. Empathic connection provides the antidote to shame felt about the behavior split off parts. When released the split off parts are released to pursue life force energy again in more enlightened ways. Psychotherapy, relationship; AA, relationship (when asked what worked in AA someone said GOD Group of Drunks); Personal trainer, relationship; Shamanic teacher, relationship; body worker, relationship.

Thank god it's for sale.

Posted by Dakota at April 10, 2004 07:03 AM